(The soundtrack for this entry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxkMlS2nuU8)
The feeling of starting a new relationship is intoxicating. The possibilities of shared experience with someone lift me up and energize me in all my activities. I walk down the street with an extra spring in my step, I smile at more people for no reason, and everyday tasks feel more full of meaning. As the relationship grows the feeling evolves into something else, something more beautiful. I feel like a flower blooming, opening up, stretching my petals out, reveling in the sun and showering the world with my perfume. Love pours out of me for the old man in the wheelchair at the bus stop, for the young tattooed couple at the other table at the coffee shop, and for whatever man who has tapped into my deep well of feeling.
Love comes easily to me, but it comes in a flood. I love before I fall in love, but my love always seems to knock people down and wash them away. No one has ever been able to teach me how to feel less strongly, less intensely. My feelings are so large, unwieldy. When I am angry, I am a ball of fire that I struggle to extinguish before it flies around the room. When I am sad, I am a thunderstorm that threatens to drown me in the downpour, and when I am in love, I am all giving, all present, all invested. I know how that sounds...you are probably itching to counsel me to not let myself be consumed by a relationship, to be more prudent and careful. I have heard it all, and I have learned that I these huge feelings do not swallow me, they expand me: I do not get lost, but I do not know if you will believe me.
I have been lost in love, blind to my own needs, but now I know I am myself when I feel strongly, honestly, and I am true to myself more than you know. Also, I do not expect to be fulfilled by another being any more, as I have realized that I have to love a person who is whole, complete and separate from me. I love myself, my potential for love, the choices I have made. I want to love someone who I have no illusion about. Knights on white horses, please stay away from me, move on to a weaker female who needs to be rescued. But if there is a man out there who is not afraid of such a passionate life-partner, just find the eye of the hurricane. Here amidst my powerful chaos, I am at peace.
When another man gets laid flat by my torrents, you will see me grieve, hard...of course. I feel cut down at the knees. I have to shrink back to normal size, condensing my potential into its cramped container. I feel like the genie in the bottle, once more waiting to be freed. I can not grant wishes, however, but I can wish one furtive wish for myself; I wish with my entire heart that I am lucky enough to live life large again. I am not afraid to do feel the bumps on the road of Life. My arms are wide open for the range of experiences that are possible. Love is my spiritual quest, and I love Life in all its flavors...I believe in Good, and I will live Good throughout all pain.
Thank you, Life, for love, for passion, and yes, even for this pain.
