Contemplating in a Cuddler in Blaine

I am house-sitting and dog-sitting in a northerly suburb of the Twin Cities for the weekend.  To accurately describe the scene: I am currently splayed in the cuddler, a cross between a recliner and a love seat, only I cannot figure out how this one un-reclines.  I have been instructed to watch a Blu-Ray movie for sure, for sure, because it is like the people are right here with me.  I have selected the new Sherlock Holmes in order to best see what action shots look like when they are so vivid.

Being here, in the home of my two dear friends, with their dog and their stuff, I feel once again like I have been banished from reality but forced to observe it from behind an invisible barrier as some torture or punishment for who knows what crime.  There is something intangible about the life that is led in this house, which I cannot obtain.  On the shelf here in the living room, is the evidence of two lives meshed together; I can clearly tell her DVDs from his, see where they overlapped, and I wonder why they have three copies of 50 First Dates.  The clear his and hers toiletries in the shower, proving women really do use more products than men, make me realize how pleasant such simple things like that may be.

The dog is now barking outside, maybe it has started to rain.  This massive German Shepard is scared of the rain, I better get him...no he was barking at a greyhound on a walk.  He jumped up here in the cuddler with me for a second and his licks and pawing made me recall having my own boyfriend tickling and touching me.  I do not miss having a boyfriend too much, but what I miss is liking someone that much.  When I love and admire someone, it is a great feeling...and it is happiness.  I do not crave someone's touch, (taking care of two 14-month-old twins and a 77-pound 5-year-old provides enough physical contact), nor do I need someone to share holidays and birthdays with (Dr. Joy Browne informed me as I woke up to a foreign alarm that being able to be alone for special occasions helps prevent you from developing a co-dependent relationship).

Whenever I am not involved with someone, the thing I miss the most is simply that I miss being impressed by someone else, I miss finding someone interesting enough to make me want to stare at him, study him, play with him.  Did you know that scientists have determined that the length of time babies stare at objects corresponds with how new and interesting the item is to them, that when they are bored they barely look at the object in front of them?  I feel a similar draw to the men I date; I want to keep being around them because they continue to interest me and excite me, but my problem however, is that there are very, very few men that make me want to continue to stare long enough to catch their eye.  I wish men could be more impressive at first glance.

Watching Sherlock Holmes right now, makes me think about men's behavior.  Holmes has been doing a lot of fighting in these first 20 minutes of the movie and it may demonstrate is strength and keen reading of his opponents weak spots, but it does not impress me.  Using his brain to figure out how to hurt someone and win the fight is not admirable.  Yesterday, I was thinking about sports as well. Playing one on one basketball seems to be a very stereotypical manly thing to do.  Maybe it really is fun or good exercise, but too me it is still very clearly a fight, a mock battle.  There is nothing impressive to me about men putting orange balls through woven rope, hitting tinnier ones with bats and clubs or 22 men pushing and throwing and kicking to get a weird shaped skin covered ball to a certain line on a field (their tight pants are not even attractive, no matter how often it is talked about!).  I do not like sports because I think the men are awesome and hot and super successful human beings! I watch football to exercise my own brain and follow an interesting game and to be involved in an interesting social event.

What activity will show me a guy is impressive?  Let me think about what drew me to my various ex-boyfriends...one impressed me through his insightful ideas during a conversation I overheard, one impressed me through his sweet nature and his ability to perceive what was important to me and meet me in those activities, one impressed me with his ability to see me as a whole person and a goddess of perfection when I was just myself.  Another man, who I did not date, impressed me with his passion, and his seeming ability to act on what he wanted without pretense or hesitation.  But we did not date for a reason unknown  for the moment...but what I see impressed me is most definitely the inner spirit of a man and not the outer manifestations of his accomplishments.  My eye sees beyond the material...beyond the fabricated fascade we all project...to the core self that most people do not nurture.  I am content to wait for a man who knows what is truly important about himself.

Forgetting something at an ex's house

Recently, I was visiting an ex-boyfriend with whom I am still close friends.  I spent a few hours there before I had to leave.  It was lovely to see him again and to catch up.  The day after I visited him, he called me up to tell me I forgot something.  When he told me I left the renewal stickers for my license plates, I realized how funny it is that I left something so benign and boring.

I did not leave anything vital or scandalous.  There was no dramatic story about me visiting an ex and leaving something that got me into trouble with a new girlfriend or that would make him think I did it on purpose.  I have no intention of pursuing him again or anything, but I had to ask myself why I cannot even make a visit to a hot ex-boyfriend into a good story even by stretching the truth.  How sad!

Dating in Korean Dramas

Lately, all I want to watch is Korean dramas on Hulu; I simply cannot get enough of them!  I have not yet figured out why I like them so much but they are definitely overly sappy at times, and everyone knows I am the biggest sap.  They may be romantic dramas, or romantic comic-dramas (I do not know if it is supposed to be so funny), but they are always about love.

The common template is very strongly an opposites-attract Cinderella-story, and only slightly more subtle.  There is always a man or boy who is way, way, way out of the female protagonist's league in some way.  He may be the richest, the smartest, the highest rank, or even, as in one of my favorites, she may think he is gay.  The girl in all these dramas is on the other end of extreme; she is the dry cleaner's daughter with the scholarship to the good school, the bottom-ranked student who is temporarily homeless, the lowest ranked chef in the kitchen, the overweight foul-mouthed patissier, or the unemployed furniture designer.  Fate always brings these two complete opposites together in a colossal bang!

Unlike Cinderella, it is not love at first sight; it is inevitably conflict at first crash.  You know how this story goes, Hollywood does it all the time too.  The two would-be lovers always hate each other and fight all the time.  I have never had this happen to me in real life, even with my opposites!  This makes for great entertainment.

I am not interested in the cliche-ed plot lines, but in the cultural differences in dating habits that are portrayed in these shows.  The social rules of etiquette are very different from ours in most circles it appears.  Let me offer some examples.
* Being roommates with a man, as a single woman is frowned upon (unless he is gay)
* Many parents insist on approving of the match and often try to arrange marriages as good business sense
* One kiss typically means you are dating, but does not happen first all the time
* Hand holding is perceived as a very strong sign of interest
* Professing interest in someone seems very straightforward and commonplace: "hey, I like you"
* Giving chocolates on Valentine's day is a very strong sign you like someone and you only give it to one person

Dating can mean spending time together, but rarely kissing, holding hands and most likely never being alone in an apartment for very long.  Everyone around the couple seem to be sensitive to shows of affection.  I find it almost like how I think of adolescent dating (the good adolescents, not the beer-swigging party animals that have sex really young)...it is sweet, and cute and almost without sexual tension.  The kiss becomes the focus, not getting into anyone's pants!

I do not know if I would like dating to be that way or the way it is for me here in Minnesota.  I can decide later, and get back to watching my latest Korean drama!

Looking hot at LA Fitness

A few weeks ago, I joined a gym.  I am still surprised at this, because the idea of a gym has typically made me sick.  All these sweaty people running in place right next to each other, but not seeming to notice they weren't alone; all those muscles bulging and straining, trying to help their owner look sexier or ripped -EEEW!  But now, three times a week, I am one of those sweaty people working to look ripped myself.

A few of my excuses for joining a gym are as follows:
1) I had so much fun swimming in the Mediterranean that I want to swim more regularly,
2) Working out will improve my mood during the winter months,
3) A nice getaway from a mouse-invested house,
4) If I pay for it, I will actually take the time to go and work out, which is something I want to do,
5) I want to try yoga classes, and
6) I want to challenge myself to build up my muscles and flexibility to be even better than I am!

(Hey, those are great reasons!  Maybe I should not call them excuses.)

Thankfully, meeting men was not one of my reasons for joining, but the idea did cross my mind as I considered the idea.  It is SO cliche to TRY to meet a man at the gym, and so, of course, I wanted to give it a whirl.  Before my first visit, I daydreamed about looking super cute in tight pants and a sports bra (which likely would cause some nipping) as I lifted weights and impressed the men (who in my dream, were all super hot, but not too ripped as to seem obscene!).  This is not likely going to happen.

My first session involved a free hour with a personal trainer who helped me focus my goals and better plan for my time at the gym in the future.  He took me through a workout, focusing on my chest, shoulders and triceps, because I wanted more upper body strength primarily.  I almost died!  He did not go easy on me because I was a girl, or a gym-newbie.  He had me working so hard I could not really finish my third set on every machine.  And for rest between sets, he had me doing push-ups, arm-circles, weight-lifting and some shoulder hold thingy!  That is not rest!  When we were done, my arms felt numb.

My lovely trainer then said, "Ok, now do push-ups until you cannot any more."  My jaw almost dropped, it did metaphorically for sure.  At first I thought he must be joking or punishing me for some mistake I made.  I had to reassure myself that I was not in boot camp or a reality TV show.  I complied, thinking fine, I will show him how awesome I am at push-ups!  Again, that did not go as planned.  I could barely go down to the ground at all, and then could not come up either.  I gave up at 7, knowing none of them looked good, only pathetic.  My trainer was fine with that.  "If you had been able to do a lot of push-ups, than it would not have been a successful workout," he explained.

My dream of looking hot at the gym would only be a reality if I were using the word to describe the physical temperature of my body.  N one looks sexy when they are breathing hard and struggling to complete three sets of 40 arm circles.  I was very glad there were no mirrors around where I could see my face as I hurt my muscles just enough to inspire them to get stronger.  I am glad that I did not join the gym to meet men.  Wow, what a stupid idea!

Friday night at The Independent, independently

The first week of October felt more like the end of August, and I had to go out dressed for warm weather one last time.  My sister had bought me a ruffled silver mini skirt and I had yet to wear it, so I tried on about 6 different tops to see which looked best.  I ended up with the first one I tried, a modest, black tank top.  My strappy black heels looked just right with this outfit.  I let my hair fall loose around my face, softening my look, hoping to look more ladylike.  Or if not ladylike, at least softer.

It was Friday night, but I was tired and had to work Saturday, so I went out somewhat early: about 9:30 pm.  I thought my outfit seemed appropriate for Uptown, so I debated over Chino Latino or The Independent.  I couldn't decide until I got there and walked to the corner of Hennepin and Lake.  The patio of Chino Latino was full, and I knew I would be sitting at the bar if I went inside, but the bar there is not the best place to really watch people.  So I went across and entered Calhoun Square.  I wondered why I have not yet gone to The Independent, seeing as I have been going out in a show of independence.

I sat at the bar here too, partly because most tables were reserved and partly because that is where I wanted to sit.  The bar has chairs with backs instead of stools, so it is very comfortable.  I settled into a seat on the corner of the bar facing the entrance so I could see who came and went easily.  I ordered a very girly-sounding drink, a Scarlett Margarita, and leaned back.

There was a TV with a baseball game playing; the Giants were up 4-0 over the Braves and it was the top of the fifth.  I could not even pretend to enjoy watching that game, so I took out my new little notebook and started to look around me.  There were mainly groups and couples around me.  Everyone was in their own mini-world, including me; it seemed as if I were behind a two-way mirror (Why is it called a two-way mirror anyways?  One way it is a mirror and another way it is a window; this just does not make sense.).  I seemed invisible to the other people, except the bartenders saw me.  The bartenders asked me how I was doing all the time, three of them kept taking turns, each thinking they were the only one who noticed me perhaps.  Did they even realize they were working together?

Is it polite not to stare?  I love watching people everywhere I go, and I loved to be looked at; when someone looks at you, you feel real, or at least really present with another human being.  I am starting to believe it is more rude not to look at someone.  The best part of being with a partner is being seen, staring into each others' eyes.  Who cares if people think that is too sappy!?  For me, the best thing about being a woman is being able to draw the attention of men...the men driving in cars as I take a walk, the men at the bars who see me drinking alone.  Women do not look at men with the same intensity as men look at attractive women.  I told someone how much I liked to be looked at by men, and my friend asked me if I were an exhibitionist, but that is not it at all.  Being looked at feels good and I am just stating the obvious.

As I looked around, there were men who glanced at me.  Men who were in groups, men who were at the bar alone, and even some of the men who were with a woman.  None of them were very promising, but it was fun to watch them from behind the wall of sound that filled the bar.  I saw another blonde woman sitting across from me at the bar, also alone.  Maybe I was really on the mirror side of the two-way mirror?  Two guys were sitting a seat away from her and I could see them eyeing her up.  One leaned over to talk to her and, although I could not hear anything, she smiled for the first time since she got here, but made it clear she was waiting for someone.  I thought she must be either waiting for a date or just pretending to wait for someone as an excuse to get away from the men.  But soon, another woman joined her and they instantly created their own little private space that said there was only room for two.

Another twosome of women nearby also had this invisible bubble around them, but when one went to to use the bathroom, the shark-men latched on to the lone lady.  When her friend returned and the bubble-power repelled the man and they laughed privately.  Did they want the attention or not?  Are we women sending mixed-messages men all the time like this?  Why do we go to bars to drink, when it is often easier and cheaper to drink at home?  Also, why do couples go out to bars together?  Is a bar a good date location?  I cannot see why?

Drinking is often considered a social lubricant, an aide to making conversation flow.  I started to see the bar as a community of different people trying to have interactions with other people.  The alcohol slowly started to make people social!  As we all continued to imbibe and the bar began to fill up, forcing people to sit closer and closer to each other, the chance to interact with strangers became more and more likely.  A group of four came to the bar and asked if I would mind scooting over so they could fit there too.  I gladly obliged, but was disappointed that they appeared to be two couples.  When they sat down however, the two girls sat down together with the two guys together as well (with the cute one next to me!) and their conversation seemed to be more friendly than "couple-ly."

The less cute one asked me if that was a Crown Royal bag, referring to my purse.  I answered in the affirmative and a brief conversation ensued about purple and black bags, and what uses they have had for their Crown Royal bags.  Oh how I love my choice of purse!  Later on, the cute guy talked to me more and we talked about gyms and other random things.  But then, I started to wonder why I was talking to him at all. Would I ever consider dating him? Not really, although I thought he was cute and could imagine sleeping with him.  I stopped myself there.

I am not looking for men to sleep with, I am looking for a man who will be my partner in life.  This felt good to realize.  I know what I want now and I am acting more like the woman I want to be.  I can go out and drink alone, have conversations with strangers, but I will still be confident and classy.  Finding my partner is something worth waiting for; I will wait with patience and poise.  Maybe this thought is what prompted me to leave, I was bored with this scene.  Being home, watching a Zooey Deschanel movie, eating popcorn sounded more appealing.  I got up, and drove home, content.

My evolution resolution starts NOW!

Last week, I was told I had to leave the place I have been renting and move out in three months.  It was nice of my landlord to give me an extra month than what was stated in the lease, but it was still a shock.  Additionally, I had already decided to take a new career path starting in 2011, but have not fully figured out what path that will be yet.  Suddenly, everything in my life seemed to let go of its grasp on me, and I started to float free, seeing how else I could end other areas of my life.  I despaired my lack of grounding and became frantic.

My solution was to tie myself into a contract to teach English in Korea.  This seemed perfect; I have been in love with Korean TV, many of my friends have taught in Korea - one is still there in fact! - I drive a Korean-made car, and I ran into some Korean people at the gym.  What telling omens, right!?  As I started to realize that going to Korea for a year would be a year less that I could be finding grounding for myself, I did not see them as omens.  Omens are just horoscopes that are experienced in life, not read somewhere...just wishful thinking.

I need to put more effort into creating the life I want for myself.  I am going to work for my dream, and change how I think about many things.  So this is the beginning of my evolution resolution!  There are four parts to this resolution:

(1) join a gym in order to be healthier physically and emotionally,
(2) adopt healthy habits such as drinking more water and flossing everyday to take care of my body,
(3) find a suitable job that allows me to save money and find an outlet for my more idealistic interests, and
(4) put more effort into self-love through physical appearance and more lady-like dating practices.

I vow to do my darnedest to keep working on these things for a year and reporting back on my progress as I go along.  I want to be the healthiest and happiest person I know!

I raise my almost empty wine glass to well-being, happiness, and perseverance!  Cheers!

Old-fashioned behavior in modern times?

Today, we often speak about modern women; these are the women who work full-time, pay for meals on dates or at least go dutch, have casual sex like men, co-habitat before marriage, raise children on their own, divorce more than ever, et cetera. We modern women raise our glasses to the feminists who burned their bras for these rights we now possess. Just having these options makes us feel we have accomplished something for woman-kind...but are we selling ourselves short?

For a long time, I have never labeled myself a feminist, partly due to a lack of a satisfying definition for the term. It is one thing to appreciate that women should have equal opportunities as men, but it is very different to assume that women want the same things men do. Women and men are different creatures and each sex has its own strengths and weaknesses. This is fine. It is admirable to know one's own limits and develop one's unique potential. I am not sure women should be celebrating quite yet.

I have long recognized that I get along very well with men as friends. Regardless if they all want to sleep with me or not, we have a lot of fun doing other things as just friends. I have been invited on many guys' nights out and been told I basically am a guy as far as my friends are concerned. This has always made me proud, but thinking about it more, I cannot figure out why it is a matter of pride. I fear I have excelled so well at channeling male energy, that I have forgotten that I really am a woman...I have been living the feminism I always rejected!

Perhaps not all is lost; I am not thinking creatively. Enjoying guys' company or using male energy in the workplace can still be possible, and even rewarding, as long as I ensure there are outlets where my feminine characteristics to shine too. The perfect scene for me to act like a woman is in my relationships with potential suitors and partners. It may be time for a new revolution. I would never advocate for a return to a former time when things were better, because I do not think they were better necessarily. I challenge us to find ways in which women and men can freely utilize both feminine and masculine energy when called for in many different life situations. We have not reached a state of perfection that could be damaged by a little more change.

I will not pretend I know what compels a human to seek out a partner, but can only speak for myself, and then still, not very well. I am simply more alive when I am in love. I want to do more, experience more, give more, create more, be more. How do I find love though? Is it luck or is there some skill to be had?

Many people have their own breed of dating advice which I try to test out and incorporate into my life. As I read about this and talk to friends, I am starting to realize that there has been a lot of dating ritual lost to a time lost to me. I am coming to see that high school dating really gives one a perspective on how to date the right way. Since I dated in a very unconventional manner during high school, I was not able to learn my lessons then. I have gone too far. There is less of an emphasis on sex in high school, but yet it is still present. Dating is not about sex. Sex is about sex, and dating is very different. I have to date as if I am in high school.

But I cannot go back, nor do I want to. I have to evolve from this point forward. I have to learn what boundaries to draw with men as I begin to date them. I have to rediscover my toddler voice that shouts “No!” very clearly. Sex is so easy, dating is seriously hard. I am going to resolve to make some changes to my attitudes about men. A change is in the air and I am standing tall.