I typically follow Joseph Campbell's advice to follow my bliss, finding the choice easy when it is between something that excites me and something that bores me. But sometimes there is no happy choice...you can either have a rock or a hard place. To illustrate this unfortunate position, I once drew a picture of an individual on an island that was only big enough to stand on, with deep ocean all around her. Any direction she could go would be just as hard to swim, and staying there would surely end with starvation. One could heed the advice "if you are lost, stay in one place" but then one must believe someone else knows one is lost and has set out to search. The contending choice is to take one's fate into one's own hands by setting off into the unknown sea with nothing but the satisfaction of self-determined action. It feels like a game of Russian Roulette in which all cylinders have a lethal bullet, a cruel surefire suicide.
In no ways is my life at that grim of a crossroads, but recently I had to make a choice between two equally distasteful options. Since this blog is about dating, it is of course about a man. I have reached a point in my life where I know I want to be in a committed relationship that is clearly headed towards marriage and children. I am, as I have said before, ready for love; ready to share my life with someone. Recently, I gave my emotions free reign to develop for another person, gambling that our mutual attraction meant we were about to begin a relationship of this kind. I went "all in" knowing a win would be worth a lot, even temporary bankruptcy. My gamble did not pay off, perhaps my "opponent" had been only bluffing about his potentially winning hand up till now, believing me to have been doing the same, just to build up the pot. However, I bet on a truly winning hand, one the may be truly too good to be believable. Perhaps, I have failed to realize how to protect a strong hand and win more by bluffing, just as one can potentially win big on bluffed nothing. I knew I was no good at poker.
But Russian Roulette is not my game either. Somehow I have ended up playing the emotional version where you get hurt no matter what. This game is rigged. The unsuccess of my potential relationship has left me with no happy option for the present. My feelings have gone the place of no return in what I want from this man, and now rebuffed by him, they lay slack and swollen. A friendship in place of a romance would unavoidably trample all over these dejected feelers of my heart, leaving me no room to heal. However, severing contact with this man, who has been a beautiful friend longer than a potential lover, feels like shooting myself in the foot...handicapping myself in just some other way. I don't want to choose! Why must he make it more difficult by wanting to be friends with me and doubting my feelings could be as strong as I have said?! My love is so rich because I want to have a relationship that explores the extreme reaches of love...I want to embark on this ultimate adventure, but must thoroughly vet my fellow journeyman first.
I made the choice to shoot myself in the foot, knowing that healing from two injuries is better than getting continually reinjured in the same place. It is hard to consciously hurt yourself and another person, even when you know it is in order to heal more completely. It broke my heart to say goodbye, but I am proud that I was adamant to the last...and with a smile still on my face. I loved myself more...I made this decision for me and now I can recoup, refocus, and reenter the unruly game of love.
