For some reason, I find that I cannot just think of men as men, each one different in his own unique way. I am compelled to compare men to something else, ascribing metaphors to explain my attraction or my indifference. One explanation for why I might do this could be that men are such complicated creatures and I have no idea what I want or need in a partner because of this.
During the times when I am seeing more than one guy, I compare them against each other. This is easier and normally more fair than comparing them to ex-boyfriends because both men are present. Of course, it is hard not to remember what felt good in the past and also what caused the end of a relationship. Comparison is inevitable, so I make no apologies for it, but if you think about it, it ends up being useful for all parties. I have all too often continued to see a man I really was not interested in when I was without two choices. I am able to truly commune with my feelings about each man when I have a choice, so I can treat the men better and avoid dating out of desperation.
Whenever a girlfriend asks me to talk about my choices, weighing pros and cons, as we distill where my attraction is leading me, it is hard for me to find any words. But gut feelings are not always clear either. Often times my body is attracted to one man more than another while my domestic desire points straight to the other. There is no stranger battle than when two parts of yourself turn on each other, leaving to you only watch.
Sometimes, a perfect metaphor settles on to my two suitors, offering me a way to explain the feelings I have towards them. Of course, it is a simplification, but it becomes a tool that can bring peace to my internal landscape. Metaphors are often the only way I can bridge my rational mind and my emotional being, they become a language both sides have in common in their otherwise deadlocked language barrier.
Two men came into my life on the same weekend recently, and the perfect metaphor on their heels. Both men were of a same age, homeowners, content in their jobs, and manly enough in physique to interest me. One began with instant attraction and sexual tension while the other started off with companionable activity and ready laughter.
Mr. Sexy and Mr. Smiley became a puzzle after day one, pulling me in opposite directions. Mr. Sexy seemed unavailable while he stayed in contact and Mr. Smiley seemed too ready to do something for me. How frustrating! I was not happy with either response. Then the metaphor hit me; Mr. Sexy was a cat and Mr. Smiley was a dog! How ironic that they each owned the pet they resembled.
A cat-man is very independent and aloof. You can always tell he likes his space and things to go his way. He is most likely the man that sleeps with a girl and expects her to go home right after, without sleeping over. He is also the man who sends mixed signals, sometimes being very affectionate and then sometimes lashing out unexpectedly. Mr. Sexy did not do all of these things to me of course, but cat-men are too choosy about when they want attention and do not come when called, even with bait!
A dog-man is very social and loyal. You can tell that he likes you because he wants to be with you a lot and is very affectionate. He is the man who brings flowers, or makes you dinner, and always asks for another date before you can wonder if he will. He is the nice guy your mother wants you to marry, who seems stable and sweet. I remember thinking how easy it would be to fall into Mr. Smiley's life when he made me dinner and just be a nice girlfriend again. But soon after, Mr. Smiley became too smothering with his affection and I realized I am not ready for that lifestyle.
So if I clearly do not want a cat-man OR a dog-man boyfriend, what do I actually want? Is there an animal that mimics the kind of love I want to nurture? Perhaps a penguin...devoted mates that share the parenting duties so well? No, there is something too tragic about the penguin. A deer...an independent female being fought over by many bucks? No, there is no romance to that love, nor to time alone after mating. I think I will eventually conclude that I want a human man, but I guess I am waiting for one who knows how to love me as the complicated human woman that I am.
So, I remain single, but joyfully so. Many of my girlfriends are partnered, engaged or married and do not envy me my singledom, but I am having too much fun meeting new people and tasting the many flavors of affection that I couldn't be less interested in getting into a relationship right now. Since Mr. Sexy and Mr. Smiley (both who remain in my life for now, as friends) I have met three new men who attract me, had two lesbians hit on me, and made some awesome new friends dancing salsa and riding public transportation in our underwear! Every person offers me a new sensation never yet felt. I feel as if I am developing a sixth sense for social interaction and I want to try as much as possible. Just like ice cream, there are so many flavors...and there is no way to have a favorite.
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