Many people see my rationality as one of my greatest strengths and maybe even admire it. For so long, I was enslaved by rationality and was unable to connect with my emotions and intuition. Learning to love has been the path of salvation. With each relationship, each crush, I take another step towards an integral state of emotions and reason. Here, my words fail me; trying to describe the beauty of love is impossible. I can only pledge to immerse myself fully in this wild whirlpool which is love, and also life itself. Perhaps, I will finally be washed clean of the trappings of thought, and my spirit will be able to shine forth.
Recently, I met a beautiful man...and something inside of me stirred. I have been on many first dates recently, but afterwards, I am exhausted from the effort of trying to pretend to enjoy myself. I did not even know I was doing that. But as soon as you meet someone that inspires that wonderful feeling of need...! Some part of me, whether my heart, my soul, my animal lust...began to rumble with the hunger of needing more of this man. Falling in love, falling in lust...the most important thing to do is to remember to fall. I once thought it cunning to say that I did not fall in love, but jumped, but now I realize that I just learned to freefall.
I am an extremely passionate person and I get excited easily. When a spark has been kindled inside of me, I want to fan it into the biggest fire anyone has ever seen! Following my heart allows me to give free reign to the emotional side of me. It is easy to feel the weight of reason in the presence of this inexplicable drive to express myself. It is quite apparent that I desperately need the cage of rationality until I have tamed my wild and powerful emotions. My passion is so strong it scares me.
My urge is to grasp, to obtain, to claim as mine. Why should I waste any time? All advice is to wait, to be patient, to maintain my position of power, to bide my time, to give him space...AARGHH! Does anyone know what it is like to live with a caged animal raging inside of you!? I am hungry!
Passion in work is always admirable, passion in the bedroom is coveted, but passion in dating has so many rules! Are men that petty that they need to be the one who chases the woman, but lose their interest if she is too easy to catch? Who is willing to break this stereotype? I am aware of predatory animals that choose the sick and the weak to pursue for their next meal, but I have never heard of predators chasing the strongest for sport! I refuse, absolutely, to be either an easy target or a difficult one; I aim to be a predator too! With two hunters hunting each other, the only result can be an extremely enjoyable wrestling match, the longer the better. Let the chase begin!
Am I easily classified as a romantic? Who know...all I can say is that when I am in love, I am still ensnared. The trap may look different, but whether it be cold rationality or hot passion, I am truly trussed and bound. Ironically, as I try desperately to follow the advice...waiting, inactive, ineffectual....I realize that the bindings are loosening, falling away. I have to smile. All the reasons for waiting that I have been told are fake, they are tricks that the rational brain believes in, in order to stall the emotional brain. But in this age-old battle, I become forgotten and find my freedom. My choices are mine again, without the need for a reason and without the volatility of passion behind them.
I may not be playing a waiting game any more, but I have found out that waiting allows the entire Me to go onward with both reason and passion on my side. We have made a truce in this no man's land, and no further battle is needed. I can love reasonably, and I can reason passionately, but I will always aim for what I want, and follow the beat of my heart while swaying to the melody of my mind.
I choose to embrace this struggle; life is hard work when you truly dive right in. Cheers!
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