Life sometimes teaches contradictory lessons. I question what is actually learned when two lessons seems to be equally valid. Have you ever pondered whether life is a game, with no ultimate meaning, but simply something fun to do to pass the time? I do not mean to say life is meaningless, but what I strongly believe is that we make our own meaning in life and the spoken and unspoken rules of conduct are also man-made. Life is a game we all conspire to create as we play, and I most definitely do not know all the rules.
Many people claim they do not want to meet someone who plays games in dating, but that phrase has just become something to say, with no substantive meaning behind it. I challenge you to tell me what you want me to be, instead of giving me a vague sense of what you do not want! Some form of playing games: artificial censoring of behavior, artificial puffing out of chests, putting our best foot forward...are these then acceptable games?
After meeting a man I found myself wanting to see again, my excitement became a hurry-up-and-do-something fury. I wanted to grab, to take, to claim! Waiting for him to call me seemed silly, fake, not me...but many women advised me to wait, and challenged me to try waiting. If dating were surfing, no one would have told me to wait when I found the perfect wave...surfing is all about the present rush, and it does not matter that the wave will level out and you will have to get off your board. I wanted to ride this wave, but I was trying to learn how to be chased. This seems a universally-accepted tip in the woman's guide to dating...but has it been properly vetted?
Leaving my fate in the hands of someone else, even in such a small matter of contacting someone I like, is not something I ever thought admirable. I was taught assertiveness is a strength to be cultivated. Overcoming the fear of putting yourself out there, risking rejection by speaking up is what I have struggled to learn for my whole life. I think I am getting pretty good at this, but now, everyone says to do the opposite. Maybe they are playing a different version of the game.
I have found a certain value in waiting, but I am still very confused by the contradictions. This time, I feel I can afford to wait, my excitement is on a low simmer and I am trusting that I can turn up the heat when the table is all set. I will see this man again, and do not have to worry about capturing him just yet. He will not be lost that easily. Some things I can still control, and recognizing this is showing me how to appreciate delayed gratification.
It feels weird. This feeling of letting go, relinquishing the urge to control the situation completely or rush an outcome, is simply abnormal for me. My mother rejoiced when I told her I was going to let things just happen...she claims this is growing moment for me...and I have to admit she is right, to some extent. I do not know what reason I have for actually waiting this time, but I may have learned this before now and am just putting it into practice, awkwardly, for the first time.
But I do know that my inner toddler, who always want things NOW, is sulkily agreeing that it is better to wait. I guess that is a moment to be celebrated! Prost (i.e. Cheers) to growing pains!
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