As I have mentioned, I have been reading dating advice books lately. Before I begin to share my thoughts on them, I want to issue a disclaimer.
Disclaimer:
I do not believe any book has all the answers to help anyone get a boyfriend/girlfriend and I do not recognize any author as a true authority whom I must obey. I read these books as a form of meditation on the issues I have, and I use them only to help direct my self-analysis.
Title: Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 guys about what makes them fall in love...or never cal back
Author: Rachel Greenwald
Three reasons women think are why men do not call:
1) Timing -not ready for a relationship
2) Fear -of being hurt again
3) Why bother? -perceived her disinterest and decided not to pursue a lost cause
The author researched why men actually did not call a woman back after a first date. The top ten reasons describe how their date was too much like:
1) a Boss Lady, someone who acted too dominant, which appears controlling, unfeminine, and competitive
2) the Blahs, someone who is just generally boring, hard to engage and unopinionated
3) a Bait and Switcher, someone who creates a false impression of themselves in order to get asked out
4) a Park Avenue Princess, someone seen as high-maintenance or overly concerned with money/things
5) a Closer, someone overly focused on obtaining a boyfriend, husband or child, which seems needy
6) a Flasher, someone who reveals a lot of negative personal information and baggage right away
7) a Bitch-in-Boots, someone who just seems mean, acting rude towards her date or a third-party
8) a Debbie Downer, someone who constantly complains or is generally bitter and cynical
9) an Ex-Factor, someone who talks too much about her ex-boyfriend/ex-husband
10) a One-way Street, someone who dominates the date and acts self-absorbed
For each of the above unattractive perceptions, the author describes the behavior, quotes many different men, then provides a checklist for the reader to see if she may be seen this way. The last part of each section covers ways to counter the perception proactively, by doing other things instead. Thankfully, I do not believe I fell into every category, but using the checklist I was able to identify a few areas where I can improve.
Although, I consider myself independent and able to accomplish things, I am by no means a Boss Lady. Since I am not exactly where I want to be in my life jobwise, I have no identifying ties to my title. Without any vanity, I am happy to say I am not the Blahs, a Bait and Switcher or a Park Avenue Princess either! I thought it was possible I could be the Closer, or the Flasher or the Ex-Factor because I have, contrary to all advice from everyone, done whatever I wanted on a first date thinking honesty was the best thing. So I have been attracted to someone's marriage potential and revealed some baggage...about an ex-relationship too soon. But I did not quite fit into any of these top personae. So I read on.
I, also, did not meet the criteria for the next five date-breaker issues which were so interesting the author felt she had to include them. I was not (11) a Seinfeld, someone with a particular quirk that didn't sit right with the man (e.g. eating your peas one at a time ala one of Jerry's girlfriends), (12) a Never-Ever, someone who make an absolute statement about having kids or something else of importance to the man, (13) a Birds-of-a-Feather, someone on whom friends or family negatively reflects based on simple association, (14) a Psychobabbler, someone who spews too much therapy-inspired language, nor (15) a Wino (no explanation necessary).
This book was fast becoming wast of my time, so I had to flip through the rest to find something more interesting. I turned doubtfully to the next section on post-date problems that cause a man to lose interest. Part of me screamed, "I am bot even having FIRST dates, let alone SECOND!! Where is the book for me?!!" This section offered me better insight surprisingly. The top five reasons the connection is dropped after a first date are very similar to the first meet, at least for me. I manage to blow a first meeting and never even get to a first date, even when their were sparks! I think I am just bad at fanning the flames without putting them out completely! Sigh.
Five post-date-breakers:
1) The Sadie Hawkins, someone who pursues a man too hard herself before the man has had any fun chasing her
2) The Flame-Out, a relationship that begins with intense emotional or physical intimacy, but it was too much, too soon
3) The Busy Bee, someone who has too many other commitments to make a second date or seems too popular in general during the first date
4) The R U 4 Real, someone who gives a bad impression through electronic communication, either through a confusing message, poor spelling or inexplicable silence
5) The Tailspin, someone who gets so upset about how long it takes a man to call her back, that when he does she acts aloof
I am, unmistakably, a Sadie Hawkins...sigh...sigh...sigh. I do not want to sit on my hands just to let the men have all the fun of the chase! Why must women always make sacrifices of their own happiness for that of men?! (Ok, I fully acknowledge that hyperbolic statement is inaccurate, but let me please artistically express myself.) Sadie Hawkins was a character in a satirical comic of Li'l Abner who literally chased men in a race held by her father for her to find a husband. Modern women are doing more and more on par with men, but it makes me ill when I contemplate letting men chase me and being the object of the chase. I may be incapable of preventing myself from chasing something (anything) I want. The world should be thankful I have not truly wanted the moon!
Men, do you know how hard it is to flirt with a man but then not pursue him? Do you realize that make-up and clothes are our plumage which is flaunted just to catch your eye and make you come a running? (And do you realize how rarely it works?) I have been going to bars looking smashing and yet to find someone who is truly interested in approaching me to ask for my number. Maybe I just have to wear this one red dress that caused quite a stir last summer...hmmm....who cares if it is winter?
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