I am house-sitting and dog-sitting in a northerly suburb of the Twin Cities for the weekend. To accurately describe the scene: I am currently splayed in the cuddler, a cross between a recliner and a love seat, only I cannot figure out how this one un-reclines. I have been instructed to watch a Blu-Ray movie for sure, for sure, because it is like the people are right here with me. I have selected the new Sherlock Holmes in order to best see what action shots look like when they are so vivid.
Being here, in the home of my two dear friends, with their dog and their stuff, I feel once again like I have been banished from reality but forced to observe it from behind an invisible barrier as some torture or punishment for who knows what crime. There is something intangible about the life that is led in this house, which I cannot obtain. On the shelf here in the living room, is the evidence of two lives meshed together; I can clearly tell her DVDs from his, see where they overlapped, and I wonder why they have three copies of 50 First Dates. The clear his and hers toiletries in the shower, proving women really do use more products than men, make me realize how pleasant such simple things like that may be.
The dog is now barking outside, maybe it has started to rain. This massive German Shepard is scared of the rain, I better get him...no he was barking at a greyhound on a walk. He jumped up here in the cuddler with me for a second and his licks and pawing made me recall having my own boyfriend tickling and touching me. I do not miss having a boyfriend too much, but what I miss is liking someone that much. When I love and admire someone, it is a great feeling...and it is happiness. I do not crave someone's touch, (taking care of two 14-month-old twins and a 77-pound 5-year-old provides enough physical contact), nor do I need someone to share holidays and birthdays with (Dr. Joy Browne informed me as I woke up to a foreign alarm that being able to be alone for special occasions helps prevent you from developing a co-dependent relationship).
Whenever I am not involved with someone, the thing I miss the most is simply that I miss being impressed by someone else, I miss finding someone interesting enough to make me want to stare at him, study him, play with him. Did you know that scientists have determined that the length of time babies stare at objects corresponds with how new and interesting the item is to them, that when they are bored they barely look at the object in front of them? I feel a similar draw to the men I date; I want to keep being around them because they continue to interest me and excite me, but my problem however, is that there are very, very few men that make me want to continue to stare long enough to catch their eye. I wish men could be more impressive at first glance.
Watching Sherlock Holmes right now, makes me think about men's behavior. Holmes has been doing a lot of fighting in these first 20 minutes of the movie and it may demonstrate is strength and keen reading of his opponents weak spots, but it does not impress me. Using his brain to figure out how to hurt someone and win the fight is not admirable. Yesterday, I was thinking about sports as well. Playing one on one basketball seems to be a very stereotypical manly thing to do. Maybe it really is fun or good exercise, but too me it is still very clearly a fight, a mock battle. There is nothing impressive to me about men putting orange balls through woven rope, hitting tinnier ones with bats and clubs or 22 men pushing and throwing and kicking to get a weird shaped skin covered ball to a certain line on a field (their tight pants are not even attractive, no matter how often it is talked about!). I do not like sports because I think the men are awesome and hot and super successful human beings! I watch football to exercise my own brain and follow an interesting game and to be involved in an interesting social event.
What activity will show me a guy is impressive? Let me think about what drew me to my various ex-boyfriends...one impressed me through his insightful ideas during a conversation I overheard, one impressed me through his sweet nature and his ability to perceive what was important to me and meet me in those activities, one impressed me with his ability to see me as a whole person and a goddess of perfection when I was just myself. Another man, who I did not date, impressed me with his passion, and his seeming ability to act on what he wanted without pretense or hesitation. But we did not date for a reason unknown for the moment...but what I see impressed me is most definitely the inner spirit of a man and not the outer manifestations of his accomplishments. My eye sees beyond the material...beyond the fabricated fascade we all project...to the core self that most people do not nurture. I am content to wait for a man who knows what is truly important about himself.
No comments:
Post a Comment