The first week of October felt more like the end of August, and I had to go out dressed for warm weather one last time. My sister had bought me a ruffled silver mini skirt and I had yet to wear it, so I tried on about 6 different tops to see which looked best. I ended up with the first one I tried, a modest, black tank top. My strappy black heels looked just right with this outfit. I let my hair fall loose around my face, softening my look, hoping to look more ladylike. Or if not ladylike, at least softer.
It was Friday night, but I was tired and had to work Saturday, so I went out somewhat early: about 9:30 pm. I thought my outfit seemed appropriate for Uptown, so I debated over Chino Latino or The Independent. I couldn't decide until I got there and walked to the corner of Hennepin and Lake. The patio of Chino Latino was full, and I knew I would be sitting at the bar if I went inside, but the bar there is not the best place to really watch people. So I went across and entered Calhoun Square. I wondered why I have not yet gone to The Independent, seeing as I have been going out in a show of independence.
I sat at the bar here too, partly because most tables were reserved and partly because that is where I wanted to sit. The bar has chairs with backs instead of stools, so it is very comfortable. I settled into a seat on the corner of the bar facing the entrance so I could see who came and went easily. I ordered a very girly-sounding drink, a Scarlett Margarita, and leaned back.
There was a TV with a baseball game playing; the Giants were up 4-0 over the Braves and it was the top of the fifth. I could not even pretend to enjoy watching that game, so I took out my new little notebook and started to look around me. There were mainly groups and couples around me. Everyone was in their own mini-world, including me; it seemed as if I were behind a two-way mirror (Why is it called a two-way mirror anyways? One way it is a mirror and another way it is a window; this just does not make sense.). I seemed invisible to the other people, except the bartenders saw me. The bartenders asked me how I was doing all the time, three of them kept taking turns, each thinking they were the only one who noticed me perhaps. Did they even realize they were working together?
Is it polite not to stare? I love watching people everywhere I go, and I loved to be looked at; when someone looks at you, you feel real, or at least really present with another human being. I am starting to believe it is more rude not to look at someone. The best part of being with a partner is being seen, staring into each others' eyes. Who cares if people think that is too sappy!? For me, the best thing about being a woman is being able to draw the attention of men...the men driving in cars as I take a walk, the men at the bars who see me drinking alone. Women do not look at men with the same intensity as men look at attractive women. I told someone how much I liked to be looked at by men, and my friend asked me if I were an exhibitionist, but that is not it at all. Being looked at feels good and I am just stating the obvious.
As I looked around, there were men who glanced at me. Men who were in groups, men who were at the bar alone, and even some of the men who were with a woman. None of them were very promising, but it was fun to watch them from behind the wall of sound that filled the bar. I saw another blonde woman sitting across from me at the bar, also alone. Maybe I was really on the mirror side of the two-way mirror? Two guys were sitting a seat away from her and I could see them eyeing her up. One leaned over to talk to her and, although I could not hear anything, she smiled for the first time since she got here, but made it clear she was waiting for someone. I thought she must be either waiting for a date or just pretending to wait for someone as an excuse to get away from the men. But soon, another woman joined her and they instantly created their own little private space that said there was only room for two.
Another twosome of women nearby also had this invisible bubble around them, but when one went to to use the bathroom, the shark-men latched on to the lone lady. When her friend returned and the bubble-power repelled the man and they laughed privately. Did they want the attention or not? Are we women sending mixed-messages men all the time like this? Why do we go to bars to drink, when it is often easier and cheaper to drink at home? Also, why do couples go out to bars together? Is a bar a good date location? I cannot see why?
Drinking is often considered a social lubricant, an aide to making conversation flow. I started to see the bar as a community of different people trying to have interactions with other people. The alcohol slowly started to make people social! As we all continued to imbibe and the bar began to fill up, forcing people to sit closer and closer to each other, the chance to interact with strangers became more and more likely. A group of four came to the bar and asked if I would mind scooting over so they could fit there too. I gladly obliged, but was disappointed that they appeared to be two couples. When they sat down however, the two girls sat down together with the two guys together as well (with the cute one next to me!) and their conversation seemed to be more friendly than "couple-ly."
The less cute one asked me if that was a Crown Royal bag, referring to my purse. I answered in the affirmative and a brief conversation ensued about purple and black bags, and what uses they have had for their Crown Royal bags. Oh how I love my choice of purse! Later on, the cute guy talked to me more and we talked about gyms and other random things. But then, I started to wonder why I was talking to him at all. Would I ever consider dating him? Not really, although I thought he was cute and could imagine sleeping with him. I stopped myself there.
I am not looking for men to sleep with, I am looking for a man who will be my partner in life. This felt good to realize. I know what I want now and I am acting more like the woman I want to be. I can go out and drink alone, have conversations with strangers, but I will still be confident and classy. Finding my partner is something worth waiting for; I will wait with patience and poise. Maybe this thought is what prompted me to leave, I was bored with this scene. Being home, watching a Zooey Deschanel movie, eating popcorn sounded more appealing. I got up, and drove home, content.
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